I was reading The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen (which I think I mentioned a couple of posts ago and how it's one of my fave books...anyhoo). In this one scene I read, Macy (the main character) asks Wes (her love interest) what he's most afraid of.
I'll just type out the whole scene so you catch muh drift:
"Okay," I said, "What's your biggest fear?"
As always, he took a second to think about his answer. "Clowns," he said.
"Clowns."
"Yup."
I just looked at him.
"What?" he said, glancing over at me.
"That is not a real answer," I told him.
"Says who?"
"Says me. I meant a real fear, like of failure, of death, of regret. Like that. Something that keeps you awake nights, questioning your very existence."
He thought for a second. "Clowns."
Getting back to my point, I read this scene this morning (it was Bagel Monday, which means I go to the LSC, get a bagel, and read. It's the absolute best) and literally stopped reading so I could think about what my fear was. I went over it and over it in my head until I finally decided.
I'm deathly afraid of being unhappy in my work.
There's nothing I want less than to be working in a big office in a cubicle, or in a rushed newsroom, or cranking out articles for a magazine like a factory line worker.
I want to write, but it's not only that. I want to live in the country, and I want privacy and a big, green field and a yellow sunset every night. I want to be sore at the end of the day because I spent the entire afternoon brushing down a horse, or pulling a rowboat up the stream, or walking to the edge of my land.
And I just want to write, all the time, until my fingers get cramped. Or read until my eyes get sore. I'm just afraid for when I start my internships- I'm going to be in that office setting, guaranteed, and I have a feeling it'll stress me out to no end. Life should honestly not be filled with so much stress.
Not knowing what's going to happen with my life scares the shit out of me. One thing about myself that I really don't like is that I always need to have a plan; I always need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going and when I'm going and all that. I wish I didn't care so much about money and schedules and credits and side jobs. I wish life wasn't like that, but it is.
Well, this post is getting a little long and rant-y, so I'm going to end with something that caught my eye when I was going through my old posts earlier today. I found this post, and it was so simple and perfect that I had to post it again. Plus, it kind of puts me at ease a little. I posted it in April of last year.
Sunday, April 24, 2011 § 0
I am going to go to college.
I am going to publish a book.
I am going to spend a long, long time in Europe.
I am going to buy a house in a big plot of countryside.
I am going to have a horse.
I'm going to keep publishing books.
I'm going to marry my soulmate.
I'm going to get old.
Plain and simple, folks. Let's hope it works out (haha).
Adieu,
Cooper
You will do all of these things. You may not do them in the time you think is right, but you will do them. Remember, life is, in ways, very long. There is no magic time to "complete" this to-do list. I need you to listen to Alanis Morissette's "Incomplete." It's been my mantra ever since I heard it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoJaAYOqDYg
You are so many steps ahead of the game already, my child. You know what you want and what you dont want. So although you may have to work that cube job or endure a bit of the crap, you wont stay there for long because you have a plan. Go ahead and plan and hope, but dont forget to just be as well.
Much love. xoxoxo
Gaaah you are so damn wise, I love you!!! Why can't you be, like, my fairy godmother so you can give me advice like this all the time?
It makes me feel better. I need to remember that life isn't one big to-do list, it throws you curveballs and surprises you all the time.
Love back!! xoxoxoxo